Life is always a struggle. It’s always ups and downs, ins and outs, figuring out and re-figuring out how you’re going to cope and deal with whatever you have going on.
We’re all handed different things to deal with. No two people will deal with the SAME exact stuff. It just doesn’t work like that. We can deal with SIMILAR things, but never the exact same.
And that’s okay. It’s alright. We’re not all meant to deal with the same stuff.
I HATE that saying that “God wouldn’t give you battles that he knew you couldn’t handle.”
Because who and what really is God? Yes I believe that something out there in the far far universe controls the basis of what is happening here on Earth but I also play a role. Sometimes things happen because of a decision that I made. Not someone else. Not something else. Me. There has to be some responsibility taken for the pain, anger, frustration, or even happiness that you may cause yourself.
There’s never really a dull moment, or a moment that you don’t have anything going on.
It’s just that you have figured out how to deal with your shit for the time being and you can finally focus on other shit that doesn’t cause you so much stress.
But don’t get too excited. More shit is on the way.
Currently I’m in one of those moments where *surprise* I’m dealing with my shit.
I have a tendency to avoid dealing with things.
And then they build and build and build and eventually topple over me and drown me.
Because maybe I truly don’t want to deal with them. I don’t want to stop feeling good and feeling happy with all the other things going on to deal with the shit that’s just been thrown at me. Because a lot of the time I have these numbing thoughts that “It’s not fair” “I did nothing to deserve this” and I just keep pushing it off, thinking it will just disappear.
I have to stop thinking that way.
These things have happened. I don’t have the power to go back and change the events or circumstances to all of a sudden not allow these things to happen.
I have to stop dwelling on how unfair it is and just deal with it. There are people out there who have it much worse than I ever will. But it’s also not about comparing your shit with other people’s shit. Because everyone has something going on deep down that is draining them in some way.
I’ve been carrying around some shit since December that I just have not, could not, did not deal with. I won’t discuss the details on here, but I’m sure some people will know what I am talking about.
At the moment of it all happening…I was happy. In a new, fun, different, fulfilling relationship. I was home from school, which was a massive decision I had made a few months before that. And I wasn’t too concerned about money or where I was going or where I was supposed to be. Because I was just content.
And then shit hit the fan. And honestly, I did not know how to even start dealing with it.
Because I was angry. The root of the shit was selfishness. I could not fathom how this could happen to me right when I thought I was getting my life together again.
But that’s just how it is. That’s how life is. And I can say it over and over and over but I just need to start realizing it.
My life is NEVER going to be together.
There is ALWAYS something that will come along. Always something to work on, work through. And pushing things away or running from them or just carrying them along with you day to day instead of dealing with them at that moment is only going to have negative effects in the long run. And also, more shit will keep coming. Just because you have some shit already going on doesn’t mean it’s going to stop magically coming.
I was pitched that and another completely unexpected issue regarding my health within a week of each other and then 6 weeks ago I was in a car accident.
The shit didn’t stop for me. The shit doesn’t stop. It will keep coming whether you deal with it or not.
In my case, the anger and frustration just built up to a point where it started negatively affecting other parts of my life. My relationship, my job, my family.
I decided I wanted to hide from my issue instead of hit it face on and deal with it. I decided to rely on my relationship as my way out of dealing with it. Because again, I didn’t want to be sad. I didn’t want to diminish this happiness I was feeling. But that just caused the pressure of that issue to be released on to other parts of my life such as my relationship, my family, my job.
Deep down I was harboring this anger and disappointment. I was happy on the surface with the things going on in my life but deep down, this ball of anger and disappointment was building and building…just waiting to explode out of me and effect all of the other things in my life. Like a tornado. Or a hurricane. The effect could have been small, but instead I allowed it to have devastating consequences.
And I wasn’t even aware of what I was doing. I thought I was dealing with the issue by going to therapy and talking about it. But in reality, I was avoiding the issue outwardly which was causing a bigger issue within me.
I never took the time for myself to sit down and understand the way I felt and deal with it. Fix it. Come up with a solution and run with it.
This is typical of me.
I never take the time to deal with my shit.
I tell myself that I do. But I don’t.
Because I’m so afraid that if I take the time to focus on myself that all of the good things around me will just disappear. Evaporate into thin air.
But that happens to me anyway. I allow things to build and build and build that eventually they explode and then ruin all of the good things around me anyway.
I carry my shit around.
Like a pack mule.
Hunched over, hurt, tired. Just carry all of my shit around.
I don’t let go.
I remember the pain I felt and carry it around thinking it will protect me from happening again.
And it won’t. Things are going to happen to me whether I carry around all of this shit or I don’t. Because some things are out of my control. Some things are my decision, but some things are not. I can’t prevent someone or something from hurting me. I don’t have the power to control everything in my life.
I need to just free myself of all of this pain and suffering I have felt in my lifetime. Let go of what I have gone through. Bad relationships, bad friendships, bad decisions, poor moments of judgement. Because carrying this shit around only drags me down and diminishes my ability to be in the now, enjoy the now.
I think a lot of people carry their shit around. And ya know, I think it’s okay to remember what you have gone through. You should never forget your past or where you have come from. Because ultimately all of that determines the person you are today. But you can’t allow it to have this hold on you. You can’t allow it to negatively affect your life now. Because it’s bringing you down. It’s holding you back. It’s preventing you from living your life to your best ability.
Box it up. Metaphorically box it up in your mind and put it on a shelf in the basement like you would with your old high school track meet t-shirts.
You will know they are there if you need them for any reason, but they are no longer taking up space in your day to day dresser. You now have room for newer, brighter, exciting t-shirts.
Not substitute your shit for t-shirts.
You will know that those things happened and that they are there if you need them for any reason. That bad relationship, that bad friendship, that bad decision, that poor moment of judgement. But they are no longer taking up space in your mind. You will now have room for newer, brighter, exciting things such as friendships, relationships, job opportunities. The list goes on.
Carrying your shit around allows you to have fear. To have anger. To have frustration. To have regret. To feel confused. To feel afraid. To feel guilt. To feel small.
To feel like you don’t deserve to move on. To let go. To be happy in this moment.
And you do. You do deserve to be happy. You do deserve to go after that thing that you want. You do deserve that friendship, that relationship, that job opportunity, that move across the whole country, that new house. That anything.
Don’t waste your precious time and energy on this Earth worrying about the past. The past is passed. That shit happened. It’s over. Don’t allow the shit that you’re carrying to affect you anymore.
Deal with it. Figure it out. Remember it. Remember that it happened. But let it go. Because you deserve a happy life.
“Those mountains that you are carrying, you were only supposed to climb.”